My grandmother was a nasty, vicious woman. Honestly, I don’t know how she managed to get married once, let alone twice. The important bit to know is that my grandfather died before I was born, and my grandmother remarried a man named Frederick Cotgrave. I turn decent books into decently readable books and hopeless books into hopeless books with better grammar. My name’s Melissa, but my friends call me Mouse. I meant to start at the beginning, and already I started babbling about disclaimers and people writing books about crystal power and the secrets hidden in the Nazca Lines. Maybe I’m just writing this to get it all out of my head, so that I can stop thinking about it. You won’t find me at a book festival, at a little table with a flapping tarp over it, making desperate eye contact with passersby-“Want to read a true story of alien abduction? Want to know the secrets of the universe? Would you like to find out the real truth about the transmigration of souls?” I won’t shove a glossy, overpriced book with badly photoshopped cover art at you, and you won’t have to suffer through my lack of a proofreader. I’m not writing this to be believed, or even to be read. I’ve run it through my mind over and over, trying to find a way to turn it around so that it all sounds quite normal and sensible, and of course there isn’t one. Everything I have to say sounds completely barking mad. I am going to try to start at the beginning, even though I know you won’t believe me. If you believe the copy of this ebook you are reading infringes on the author’s copyright, please notify the publisher at: /online_piracy_report.

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Summer in Orcus by T. Kingfisher